herumtreiber

Title: The zombies and the bees
Author

herumtreiber
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Word Count: 1808
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Fluff, humour, MPreg.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the rest belong to JK Rowling, I only play with them.
Summary: Draco struggles with zombies and muggles

Table of contents

4 zombies and a wedding

Draco stood defiantly, ready to face the voracious zombies. He moved his wand in a sweeping arc that covered the whole café.

The patrons continued their activities, drinking their espressos and lattes, talking about the events of the day. Most of them thought Draco was an enthusiastic attendee to the wedding who was waving a souvenir of the royal wedding in the form of a baton. The only muggle that suspected something amiss was the portly man seated at the next table, who clutched defensively the zombie drink to his chest, muttering, "You'll have to get your own, mate."

Watching Draco's antics, Harry ducked his head, tempted to hit it against the wooden table.

"I'm not going to get that ferret out of trouble anymore! I don't like to Obliviate people," muttered the pregnant man.

Suddenly he felt his baby kicking inside him, as if it wanted to help his other father to create mischief for Harry.

The brunet felt the urgent need to go to the bathroom. Lovingly patting his abdomen, he whispered to the baby. "You're just like your papa, aren't you, little Bilius Albus Sirius? I just hope you don't get to be a Slytherin like him."

Leaving Draco to deal with his troubles in his guise as Neville, Harry stood up. "Sorry, Viktor. I have to go to the bathroom."

Viktor nodded distractedly, trying to remember a spell to clean up the napkin which had Hermione's dialogue for him.

Harry waddled to the bathroom, massaging his belly. The baby kept moving inside him. It seemed to be playing with his kidneys as if the baby was a Beater and they were Bludgers.

"Calm down, Cho Hermione!" Harry opened the door of the restroom when he felt a particularly hard kick, as if the baby was protesting the names.

"Ouch! You'll be a perfect Beater someday, baby. Just don't practice with me!"

Meanwhile Draco was in a fighting stance; his legs firmly planted on the floor, he waved his wand threateningly at a muggle with bloodshot eyes and unkempt appearance, thinking he looked like a particularly menacing zombie.

The thin man took a sip from his coffee, trying to ease the hangover from his bachelor party. He ignored Malfoy.

Draco was intent on punishing the zombie when the sound of someone clapping beside him broke his concentration.

"This is great, Neville! You're a businessman!"

Draco frowned and turned to look at the redheaded muggle woman, who was wiggling on her seat, bursting with excitement.

"You're preparing for your Power Point presentation!" Susan pointed to Draco's wand. "That's a cute stick. What do they call it?"

Susan waved her hand in the air. "Whatever. I like your posture, it was quite aggressive. I bet you'll floor them with your slides!"

Seeing that the zombie was sitting quietly, Draco sat down again. He was very confused by Susan.

He leaned towards the woman, whispering, "You aren't worried about zombies?"

"What do you mean, Neville? You want a drink too?" Susan pointed to the chubby man at the other table, who was scowling at the pair while he hurriedly finished his drink.

Draco shook his head, wishing Granger were here to explain muggle customs to him. He said urgently, "No, I mean the ones on that website, CD or something."

Susan put the Kindle by her side, smiling broadly. "Oh, you mean the CDC's page about zombies? That was great, they did a great job grabbing people's attention so they'd go to their website and learn about preparations for possible disasters."

Draco was getting a headache, trying to understand the muggles and their strange ways. Looking towards Harry's table, Malfoy noticed that he'd returned and was talking excitedly with Krum. But Draco wanted to find out more about the zombies and concentrated on the muggle woman, secure in the knowledge that his recording toffee would faithfully preserve Harry's conversation.

Susan continued enthusiastically. "It was a neat gimmick! Heard they had a lot of visits."

His shoulders visibly drooping, Draco said disconsolately, "You mean there are no zombies?"

The muggle woman patted her Kindle. "Only in books, videogames and movies, Neville; though I've met a few in real life." She glared at her cup of coffee, growling, "Like that scum, Doctor Draco Malfoy!"

"What do you mean?" said Draco angrily. "I'm not a doctor zombie… I mean, Draco isn't!"

Susan huffed. "I can't believe the nerve of Doctor Draco! He's so handsome he believes he can do what he wants!"

Hearing the redhead muggle praising him, Draco visibly preened. Susan motioned to Harry's table. "He's going out with Harry, and the bloody cheater is married and expecting a child with his wife! It isn't fair!"

Draco was startled; he coughed and waved his arms. "A wife? I… I mean Draco doesn't have a wife! Why are you accusing him?"

"The other day I went to have an ultrasound with my friend, Carlotta." Susan leaned towards Draco and whispered conspiratorially, "The receptionist told us Draco had been there with his pregnant wife. Can you believe it?"

Draco exploded; he was tired of trying to understand the muggles and their mysterious ways. Worse, he was being accused of cheating Harry. If his husband ever found out, he could well imagine the consequences, knowing pregnant Harry's irate moods. He didn't want to spend his married life as a stuffed ferret.

"Bollocks! Harry and Draco are married, and Harry's expecting his child…" Draco shut up, knowing from his browsing on the web that muggle men did not get pregnant. He was debating whether to cast a discreet Obliviate when Susan spoke, looking curiously at him.

"Neville, you're joking. Men can't get pregnant!"

Draco grasped at straws, trying to explain his outburst and convince the redhead woman - just in case Harry ever talked to her. He recalled the zombie website, and using his finely honed Slytherin mindset he quickly made up a story. "Well, it's a secret project of the CDC."

Susan raised her eyebrows. "I think the agency only promotes health?"

Draco fidgeted, clutching the edge of the table. He tried to imagine how Hermione would deal with the muggle woman. Finally smirking, he pointed to Harry, who was gesturing with his arms and pointing to his belly.

"Harry and Draco are working secretly with FAIRIES, the Federal Agency Independent Research Into Establishing…. Solutions." Draco smirked, ruffling his short-cropped black hair.

Malfoy drawled, tapping his fingers against the tablecloth. "They gallantly offered themselves as test subjects. The agency's goal is to avoid an outbreak of dragon pox by researching the male body's reaction to pregnancy."

Malfoy noted with satisfaction that Susan's eyes were glazed. The woman said slowly, as if she were in a trance, "Dragon pox?"

Draco shrugged. "It's a variation of the muggle pox; your skin becomes green and brittle, like the scales of a dragon." Malfoy leaned towards the muggle woman, whispering, "Just don't tell anyone. People might get scared."

Susan bounced on her chair, wishing she could be friends with the two blokes and help them cope with the pregnancy. After all, the poor dears probably had to deal with a lot of bureaucratic hassle just to have a child, and all this just so people wouldn't have dragon pox! Whatever that was.

"I just can't get it in my head that he's pregnant! Those Americans really are medically advanced!" Susan wondered if that was the reason her neighbor was so fat.

Susan nodded, and then she shook her head wonderingly. "So Doctor Draco isn't cheating on Harry Otter?"

Draco laughed uproariously. "Otter! Wait till I tell Harry about it!"

The redhead woman piped up, "So you know Harry? Why don't we go and sit with them?" Susan caressed distractedly her Kindle, thinking that life sometimes was stranger than any fiction she could find in a book. The redhead gathered her things and made to stand up.

Draco held up his hands, forestalling her. He didn't want Harry to find out he was polyjuiced as Longbottom. "I'm afraid to intrude. Haven't met the bloke, really. Astoria told me all about him. She's a...friend of mine."

Susan nodded and called the waiter for the check. "It's just as well. Harry's leaving anyway."

Draco looked up and noticed Harry ambling towards the corner while Krum handled a stained napkin as it was the most precious thing in the world. Shaking his head at the odd Bulgarian, Draco picked up his recording toffee when he noted Susan eyeing it hungrily.

But Susan wasn't watching the sweet, she was intently studying Draco. "Your roots are showing, Neville."

"What?" Draco was at the end of his patience with the muggle woman, however helpful she'd proved to be.

Susan touched Draco's hair. "You're turning blond, and your hair is getting longer. Please tell me-"

Before the redhead woman could finish, Draco stood up and sprinted towards Harry, throwing a gold coin on the table. Apparently the Polyjuice was wearing off. "See you around!"

"-what brand of hair dye you use!" shouted Susan after the running man.

The woman muttered softly, "Bloody hell, he's gone! And I really liked that effect. Maybe it is a CDC thing too?"

Draco lost Harry in the crowd. There were many people lining the street and it was very hard to push past them. The newly blond man cursed George and Fred for failing to escort Harry, and also Krum for letting the pregnant man go all by himself among the muggles. The Bulgarian Seeker seemed to care more for the napkin than for Harry.

Despairing of ever reaching his husband to escort him back to their apartment, Draco dived behind a lonely green BMW and transformed into his Animagus form.

The ferret scampered towards Harry's scent, zigzagging this way and that to avoid the muggles' shoes. After a pointy heel almost caught his tail, the ferret twitched his whiskers in anger. The mammal's rounded ears shuddered with concentration, seeking a clear path among the towering men and women, many of whom shrieked when they saw him, thinking that it was a humongous rat from the sewers.

Seeing a clear path just in front of a lamppost, the ferret rushed through the crowd, only to be stopped by huge hands that clamped him like they were made of steel. Draco writhed and wiggled, but it was in vain. He was trapped.

He was swiftly lifted and he saw a blond man he knew well.

Their neighbor Robert squinted at the ferret, which was glaring at the smirking muggle, his whiskers twitching menacingly.

"What do we have here? Where do you come from, little one?"

The ferret squirmed, trying to escape the relentless grip of the muggle and rush to his husband. Finally the furry mammal dooked angrily, "What are you doing outside in broad daylight? You're not sparkling!"

Draco's detour