herumtreiber

Title: The plot bunny
Author

herumtreiber
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Word Count: 2043
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Fluff, humour, MPreg, capslock!Harry
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the rest belong to JK Rowling, I only play with them.
Summary: Harry struggles with his self-image, and someone unexpected shows up.
Notes: Draco's photo courtesy of

entropy12 :)

Table of contents

Draco's detour

Harry hopped away from his robes, his right ear flopping over his eye. He squinted, looking at his paws with growing alarm. I can’t see very well. Probably I’m a sloth! By Merlin, Fred and George transformed me into a one-eyed, pregnant sloth! What if my baby turns out to be a good-for-nothing, lazy pureblood as her Unspeakable father who should’ve protected me!

Harry blurrily saw his glasses two feet away. He hopped towards them and tried to grab them with his paw, but he couldn’t hold them. The bunny’s whiskers twitched angrily as he glared at the glasses. WHERE ARE MY THUMBS? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GRAB THINGS WITHOUT THEM? GOING TO KILL FRED AND GEORGE... AND DRACO TOO!!

The bunny’s wild magic caused the apartment walls to tremble; a golden Auror trophy fell down from a shelf and also Draco’s blown-up portrait. Due to the bunny’s anger, its glass cracked in a strangely regular jigsaw pattern.

Shaking his furry head, Harry cast a wandless spell to shrink his glasses and affix them to his muzzle. Then he looked quizzically at his right paw. Doesn’t look like a sloth’s paw. Don’t know if they have fur.

The bunny looked back and saw his robes lying on the floor. He scowled at them. My clothes are getting dirty! After all the trouble I had tricking Draco… I mean convincing him so we could go to that boutique. I can’t leave them there!

Harry twitched his pink nose and sniffed. I don’t like the sardine smell. In fact I feel a bit nauseous. Wish I had some lettuce and broccoli with baby carrots. But first…

The bunny concentrated and raised his right paw towards the clothes which flew chaotically to the bedroom.

The rabbit turned to look at Draco’s broken portrait with a ferocious mien. Doesn’t matter that you’re looking so cute with your round ears and beady eyes, Draco. If you were here I’d--

Harry shook his head and his ear finally turned sideways, freeing his eye and allowing him binocular vision. He sighed in relief and examined his paw critically, noticing his whiskers moving in his peripheral vision. Wonder what animal I am?

He peered up at the mirror on the wall, which seemed so far above. How am I going to get up there? Fred, when I get to you, you’ll wish you hadn’t worn that Prussian helmet in the Final Battle!

The angry bunny decided to use his broom. He wandlessly cast Accio and his prized Stratonimbus shot out of the bedroom, knocking over a porcelain peacock - Lucius’ wedding gift to the former Seekers.

The black rabbit smirked when he heard the crash and saw the splintered pieces of the bird, but when the broom reached him Harry realized he couldn’t mount it. Who designed this bloody thing? It’s too unwieldy. Bloody twins, I’m going to kidnap them and leave them tied and naked in front of Romilda Vane’s apartment. See how they like that!

Harry decided to levitate to the mirror, pondering what spell to cast. I reckon I can’t use Wingardium leviosa… maybe Slothium leviosa? No, that would be too risky.

The rabbit’s paw touched the rim of the glasses, one nail neatly scratching its surface as he meditated which spell to use. Finally the bunny frowned and shook his head so the stubborn floppy ear wouldn’t obstruct his vision; he decided to cast ‘Harriardium leviosa.’

oOoOo

Mrs. Edwina Thistlewaite touched lovingly the smooth leather edge of her diary as she finished writing. She leaned towards the table to grab her cup of black coffee, but changed her mind at the last minute.

She peered at the page through her bifocals and began reading to herself.

Dear Diary.

Actually I feel a bit silly talking to you as if you’d write back. Those things don’t happen, do they? I wish they did though.

I’m worried about Carlotta. She seems withdrawn lately. I should’ve prevailed on the girl, shouldn’t have left her dwell in the wild London scene. I think it’s caught up with her, tainting her mind with visions of gothic-dressed, pregnant men.

I haven’t finished reading Agatha Christie’s ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’ I so wanted to revisit the book after watching Albert Finney in the film, but…

Mrs. Thistlewaite touched her grey hair tied in a prim bun, gazing through the open window at the building opposite hers. She started to reach towards the binoculars her daughter Carlotta had given her on her birthday for bird-watching. Finally she continued reading her entry.

… I have been distracted lately, dear Diary. The tenants of the building across the street are ever so much more interesting than dear Agatha’s book, I’m afraid. There was a nice young man that sparkled when I watched him at the window. Though he is very polite, I think he looks a bit suspicious - perhaps I’m beginning to think like the great Hercule Poirot.

The most interesting people are a couple of striking young men, blond and brunet. I think they’re practicing to get a show in a casino in Las Vegas, like Siegfried & Roy. I swear they have the strangest animals around; I nearly choked on my gingerbread cookie when I watched a white bear prowling inside their apartment! Their landlord must love them very much to allow them such liberties.

I don’t want to be indiscreet, dear Diary, but they are very naughty young men. What they get up to! I blush just thinking about it.

They have a domesticated animal I see scurrying around from time to time, a ferret that the handsome brunet likes to chase around the apartment. Such a nice man, if a bit overweight. I think when he grows old he could play Poirot, just like Sir Peter Ustinov.

Mrs. Thistlewaite took a sip of her coffee, trying to resist temptation, but she finally gave in and grabbed the binoculars, watching intently Harry and Draco’s apartment window. Her mouth opened in surprise as she held the binoculars close to her glasses. After a minute had passed she put them down and hurriedly finished her coffee; then she shakily grabbed her fountain pen and began writing on the leather-bound book. Mrs. Thistlewaite’s usually neat cursive handwriting was a bit sloppy as she finished her entry for the day.

I was right, Diary. They are magicians! There’s a black bunny levitating in front of the mirror! I think they’re better than Siegfried and David Copperfield combined because I can’t see them in the apartment. These fine young men are really an astounding act!

oOoOo

Harry descended gently to the floor with a soft thumping sound. His emerald green eyes peered from behind his glasses as he looked to the kitchen. I’m a rabbit, so that explains why I have a craving for baby carrots. I can’t just hop around; it’ll be bad for my stomach and the baby inside. Wonder how pregnant rabbits manage it?

At that moment Harry felt the wards around the apartment flicker as somebody stepped through the Floo. This was confirmed a moment later when a man’s voice called, “Draco… Potter, are you home?”

Harry panicked, his ears sticking straight up. By Merlin’s wrinkly carrot, that’s Snape! I don’t want him to see me as a rabbit, I have to escape!

Before the bunny could move, the Potions Master swept imperiously into the living room, his robes billowing impressively as he looked around. “Draco, I’ve just come back from Romania. I’m afraid those uncultured vamp--"

Severus stopped suddenly, watching the furry animal on the floor. His keen gaze immediately noticed the round eyeglasses and the small patch of white fur, zigzagging like lightning, on the bunny’s forehead.

Severus sneered at the rabbit. “What do we have here? I see a new addition to Potter’s menagerie. This must surely be Granger-Weasley’s doing. The woman dreams about Potter as a rabbit, it’s the uppermost thought when I peek at her studious mind through Legilime--“

Snape crossed his arms, musing to himself as Harry silently fumed. “But why I am telling you this? You’re a rabbit after all. I bet not too bright, like Potter himself.”

Harry peered at Snape from the floor. Those robes seem funnier from here. I should give him the address of that boutique. Snape would surely look better with maternity robes. By Merlin’s limp broccoli sprout! His noggin is even bigger from below!

Snape reached down and held the struggling rabbit, lifting Harry up and studying intently the bunny’s eyes. “Potter must feed you a lot of carrots, bunny. I think I’ll call you… Pottsy.”

In your dreams, Snape! Let me go, you bat! thought the panicked bunny.

Severus touched softly Harry’s forehead, his gaze dreamy as he beheld Harry’s eyes. He said in a soft voice, “You have Lily’s eyes, bunny.”

Severus’ unusual tone of voice calmed Harry somewhat.

Snape sat down on the couch, holding the bespectacled bunny on his lap. “Let me tell you, Lily was a wonderful woman. Though I hate to admit it, Potter does share her qualities from time to time.”

Harry’s floppy ear fell on his eye as he listened enraptured to the unusual confession of the Potions Master.

The soft silk of Severus’ white ruffle wrist cuff touched Harry’s furry forehead as the man continued, “Potter’s been good for Draco, bunny. But I do think he’s a bit obsessed with Animagi, after all that’s why I went to Romania.”

Snape gazed around the apartment and realizing that there was no one there but the rabbit, he scowled angrily, continuing in a sharp tone. “I bet Draco and Potter don’t take good care of you, Pottsy. Obviously they feed you too much and leave you alone while they gallivant around town.”

Harry glared at Snape, his whiskers vibrating not unlike the wings of the Snitch. I’m not fat! And Draco is the one who gallivants and doesn’t care about me!

Unaware of the bunny’s thoughts, Snape went on. “I have a potion I need to finish, Pottsy. I’m loath to leave you alone while those two irresponsible wizards forget about their pet. You see, Longbottom gave me a special variety of Amazonian carrots.”

Harry narrowed his eyes at Severus. Neville’s plants tend to be a bit dangerous!

Mirroring Harry’s thoughts as if he’d used Legilimency on the black rabbit, Severus confided, “Longbottom calls to mind what Hagrid would be if he loved plants. Just imagine what the two would do together, Pottsy!”

The Potions Master and Harry shivered.

Snape leaned down and whispered to the bunny, “I tested the plants and they are not carnivorous. What do you say, Pottsy, you want some juicy, crunchy orange carrots?”

Harry licked his lips; those vegetables suddenly seemed very tempting.

Snape stood up and went to the Floo, cradling Harry tenderly on his arms.

oOoOo

Ten minutes later, a disheveled Draco opened the door to their apartment, breathing rapidly. “Harry, those muggles of yours are vicious! The zombies wouldn’t stand a chance against them!”

Draco’s gaze swept through the living room, noting the closed laptop and the shards of Lucius’ peacock. “Harry, where are you?”

He smirked, picking up a piece of porcelain feather. “I see you finally broke Father’s present. Didn’t like it either, those bloody birds dared peck at me!”

Draco grew alarmed when he saw his portrait leaning against a bookshelf, the glass broken in a curious pattern. He was sure Harry wouldn’t have destroyed it even if he was very angry. After all, it was Harry who had taken it and had it especially framed at that antique shop; the Auror frequently gazed fondly at it - too much so in Draco’s opinion.

The blond hurried to the bedroom and saw Harry’s maternity robes thrown haphazardly upon the bed. He bent down to touch the soft fabric, his magic searching desperately for the brunet. The bond he shared with his husband told him he was far away, and Draco despaired.

He took out his wand and conjured his Patronus, intent on getting help. He voiced the message the silvery bat would carry to Ron. “Weasley, someone broke into our apartment and kidnapped Harry! I need your help!”

Musteltongue